Episode 62: Rethinking Apologies - When 'Sorry' Isn't Needed

I am Sorry

Intro: 

This is Episode 62.

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"Welcome to 'Wellness in Every Season,' the place where we explore the rich tapestry of motherhood and wellness in all its forms. I'm Autumn Carter, your host and guide. 

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EPISODE INTRO

Welcome to Episode 62 of "Wellness in Every Season," titled "Rethinking Apologies - What to Say When 'Sorry' Isn't Necessary,” brought to you by the Reclaim Your Time program. In today’s enlightening episode, listeners who find themselves often entangled in the web of over-apologizing will embark on a transformative journey. As we delve into the nuances of why we say 'sorry' too often, you'll gain a deeper understanding of the psychological patterns behind this common habit.

Throughout this episode, you'll learn how to distinguish situations that truly warrant an apology from those that don't. We'll explore the delicate balance between empathy and assertiveness, helping you realize that expressing your true feelings and maintaining your personal boundaries doesn't necessarily require an apology. 

For those of you who might feel that your apologies are a reflex rather than a response, we'll offer insightful strategies to break this cycle. By rephrasing your language, you'll discover how to convey your message effectively without diminishing your self-worth. This change in dialogue is more than just a shift in communication; it’s a step towards enhancing your self-esteem and changing how you're perceived by others.

Moreover, this episode will shine a light on the empowering journey of self-discovery. You'll see how modifying your apology reflex can lead to a deeper sense of personal integrity and authenticity. For the moms listening, there’s a special segment on how changing your apology habits can positively influence your children, teaching them about confidence and self-respect from a young age.

By the end of this episode, you'll be equipped with practical, everyday alternatives to saying 'sorry,' transforming your apologies into expressions of gratitude, understanding, and assertiveness. You'll leave feeling empowered, with a new perspective on communication and self-expression. Tune in to "Wellness in Every Season," and take the first step towards reclaiming your voice and your time.

Key point #1: 

Imagine a mother who, like a gentle breeze, seemed to carry an apology in every step and gesture. In her world, 'sorry' was not just a word, but a shield, a habitual response that slipped out in various situations, be it at the grocery store for taking a moment longer at the checkout, at the park for her child's loud laughter, or at home for the dinner that was just a bit too salty. She was a tapestry of kindness and care, but woven into her fabric was this thread of constant apology, a subtle undercurrent that suggested she was always just a bit out of place, always slightly in the way.

This habit, as deeply ingrained as it was, did not dampen her spirit, but it certainly cast a shadow on her self-worth. Her journey towards change began not with a grand realization, but with a series of small, almost imperceptible moments. It was in the mirror's reflection one morning, in the eyes of her child who started to mimic her apologetic tone, and in the quiet, supportive words of a friend who gently pointed out her frequent apologies.

This mother, in her quest to reshape her language and, in turn, her mindset, first learned to pause. In that brief space between thought and speech, she found a moment of empowerment. She replaced "I'm sorry I'm taking so long" with "Thank you for your patience." Instead of apologizing for her child's exuberance, she embraced it, saying, "Isn't it wonderful to see such joy?" At home, instead of a sorry for a less-than-perfect meal, she chose, "I tried a new recipe tonight. I'm glad we could share this meal together."

This transformation was not overnight. It was a path filled with self-reflection and gentle corrections. But each changed phrase was like a stepping stone, leading her to a place where she recognized her own value, where she no longer felt the need to occupy less space, to be less herself. Her language shifted from one of constant concession to one of gratitude and assertion. She found strength in her voice and her presence, not as someone always seeking forgiveness for trivialities, but as someone deserving of space and respect.

In this journey, she learned that her apologies, though well-intentioned, often stemmed from a deeper, unspoken narrative – a narrative where her worth was contingent on her ability to be perpetually accommodating, where her value was measured by her invisibility. Breaking this pattern was not just about changing words; it was about altering the very story she told herself about who she was and what she deserved.

Through this evolution, she not only transformed her own self-perception but also modeled a powerful lesson for her child. She showed that it is possible to be kind and considerate without diminishing oneself, that strength can be found in presence and authenticity, and that sometimes, the most profound apologies are the ones left unsaid, replaced instead by words that uplift and affirm.

Her story is not just about ceasing to say sorry; it's about the journey of rediscovery, about finding and reclaiming one's voice and space in a world that often asks women, especially mothers, to be less, to apologize for their existence. It's a testament to the quiet power of self-awareness and the ripple effect it can have on one's life and the lives of those they touch.

Let’s now discuss how women come to be so quick to say sorry, even when they don’t fully mean it.

Key point #2: 

Women, throughout history and across cultures, have often been subtly sculpted by societal norms into figures of grace, gentleness, and apology. This societal molding, a kind of pervasive, though not always overt, form of conditioning, teaches women to be soft-spoken, to tread lightly, and to continually make room for others, often at the expense of their own space and voice. This pattern isn’t necessarily born of typical abuse in the blatant sense, but it can be seen as a form of societal abuse, a slow and steady erosion of self-worth and assertiveness.

This narrative starts early, woven into the fabric of childhood through fairy tales and media, where female characters are celebrated for their quiet sacrifice and enduring patience. Young girls are praised not just for their kindness and empathy – undoubtedly important traits – but also for their compliance and passivity. They learn, through a thousand tiny cues and corrections, that their value often lies in their ability to be accommodating, to smooth over conflicts, and to put others’ needs ahead of their own. These lessons are reinforced in subtle ways – through the expectations to always be polite and agreeable, through the notion that assertiveness in a woman is often mislabeled as aggression, and through the cultural glorification of selfless maternal and domestic roles.

As these girls grow into women, these messages do not dissipate; instead, they evolve into more complex forms. In the professional world, women often find themselves having to work harder to assert their ideas or to occupy leadership roles without being perceived as overbearing. In personal relationships, the tendency to apologize and defer can continue to manifest, perpetuating a dynamic where women's needs and voices are secondary. 

Generational trauma plays a pivotal role in this narrative. Women carry not only their personal experiences but also the collective memories and patterns passed down from mothers and grandmothers. These stories, steeped in resilience yet also in compromise, shape the way women view themselves and their roles in society. The trauma of being sidelined, of having to fight for recognition, and of balancing societal expectations with personal ambitions is a burden carried forward, often unconsciously.

When typical abuse enters this already complex equation, it can exacerbate these learned tendencies to apologize and diminish oneself. Abuse, in its many forms, thrives on power imbalances and often seeks to exploit and reinforce feelings of worthlessness and submission. For women already conditioned to apologize and make themselves small, abuse can further entrench these behaviors, creating a cycle that is hard to break.

This societal pattern and its intersection with abuse are not just individual issues; they are feminist issues. They speak to the broader dynamics of power and gender in society. Breaking this cycle involves recognizing these patterns, both in the world and within ourselves. It involves redefining strength, not as the power to dominate, but as the courage to speak one's truth, to occupy space without apology, and to value oneself as fully and unconditionally as one values others. It's a journey of unlearning, of reclamation, and of rewriting the narrative for future generations of women.

I struggled to understand feminism, but always felt this caged feeling when saying sorry, especially when that’s not what I actually meant. I hope the way I explained this helps you to better understand how deep apologizing runs for women and why even if you are not a feminist. 

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Segment: Mindfulness Practice: 

Let's begin a mindfulness practice focused on the empowerment and transformation that comes from breaking the habit of over-apologizing. This practice is about more than just changing a speech pattern; it’s about challenging and reshaping the underlying beliefs that fuel this behavior. We’ll cultivate self-awareness and self-compassion, recognizing the worth and validity of our thoughts, feelings, and presence.

Start by finding a quiet and comfortable space where you won’t be disturbed. Sit in a relaxed but alert position, either on a chair with your feet flat on the ground or on a cushion on the floor with your legs crossed. Rest your hands gently on your lap. 

Close your eyes or lower your gaze, and bring your attention to your breath. Notice the natural rhythm of your breathing, the rise and fall of your chest, the sensation of air moving in and out of your nostrils. When your mind wanders, gently guide it back to your breath. This moment is about being present with yourself.

Now gently bring to mind instances where you’ve found yourself apologizing unnecessarily. Recall these moments without judgment or self-criticism. Observe these memories as if you are a compassionate witness to your own life. Notice the feelings and thoughts that arise. What emotions are present? What beliefs about yourself might be underlying these apologies?

Shift your focus to imagining a version of yourself who feels empowered to take up space and communicates assertively without the need for unwarranted apologies. Visualize how this version of you stands, speaks, and interacts with others. Feel in your body and mind what it’s like to embody this empowered self. Breathe into this feeling, allowing it to grow with each inhale, filling you with a sense of strength and self-worth.

Incorporated into our mindfulness practice, let’s include a step where we explore how to rephrase “I’m sorry” into expressions more truthful to the situation and aligned with how we want to feel. This exercise aims to transform our habitual response into one that better represents our intentions and self-worth.

After you’ve brought to mind instances of unnecessary apologizing and have visualized your empowered self, take a moment to reflect on those apologies. Think about each situation where you said “I’m sorry” and consider what you truly wanted to express. Was it gratitude? Was it a desire to assert a boundary? Was it simply acknowledging a situation without taking undue blame?

For example, if you said sorry for taking time to respond to a message, you might rephrase it as “Thank you for your patience.” If you apologized for expressing an opinion in a meeting, consider saying “I appreciate your perspective and would like to add my thoughts.” This part of the practice is about finding alternatives that are in harmony with your genuine feelings and intentions.

As you explore these alternatives, notice how each rephrased sentence feels in comparison to saying “I’m sorry.” Observe the shift in your emotions and your sense of self. Do you feel more assertive, respected, or authentic? This reflection is not about completely eliminating apologies but about using them appropriately and expressing yourself in a way that upholds your self-respect and ,,nity.

During this practice, remember to maintain a compassionate and non-judgmental attitude towards yourself. Changing deeply ingrained habits takes time and practice. Each step you take in rephrasing and realigning your language is a significant stride towards embracing a more empowered and authentic version of yourself.

As you conclude this mindfulness exercise, reaffirm your intention to communicate in ways that truly reflect your thoughts, feelings, and presence. Carry this intention with you as you move through your day, reminding yourself of your worth and the value of your voice. Each time you find yourself about to apologize unnecessarily, pause, and consider how you might rephrase your words to better reflect your true intent and your deserved space in the world.

As you continue to breathe, focus on cultivating self-compassion. Speak to yourself with kindness, acknowledging that changing ingrained behaviors is a process that requires patience and understanding. Remind yourself that it’s okay to take up space, to voice your thoughts and feelings, and that your presence is valuable.

Before concluding your practice, set an intention to carry this sense of empowerment and self-compassion into your daily life. It could be a simple affirmation such as, "I am worthy of occupying my space, and my voice matters."

Finally, bring your awareness back to your breath, take a few deep, refreshing breaths, and when you feel ready, gently open your eyes.

This mindfulness practice is a tool to help you navigate the path of changing deep-seated habits of over-apologizing. It’s about returning to these thoughts and intentions regularly, fostering a gradual change in how you view yourself and interact with the world.

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Key point #3: 

This journey towards redefining our relationship with apology and assertiveness holds at its core a profound understanding: politeness and empathy are not to be cast aside. These qualities are threads in the fabric of our humanity, offering warmth and connection. However, in the societal tapestry, often these threads have been overwoven, obscuring the equally vibrant strands of assertiveness and boundary-setting. The quest is not to unravel our kindness or empathy, but to weave assertiveness and self-respect into the pattern, creating a more balanced and holistic picture of who we are and how we interact with the world.

In this reweaving process, kindness and assertiveness do not need to be at odds. Instead, they can coexist, complementing and strengthening each other. When women embody this balance, they demonstrate that compassion does not equate to self-sacrifice, and assertiveness does not equate to callousness. It's about respecting others' perspectives while also honoring our own. It's about being able to say no with the same grace with which we offer support. This balance is essential, for when we constantly compromise our boundaries in the name of politeness, we erode our sense of self and self-worth.

Language and communication are the tools through which this balance can be achieved and expressed. The words we choose and how we articulate our thoughts and feelings are not just a means of conveying information; they are a reflection and reinforcement of our beliefs and perceptions. When we alter our speech to more accurately reflect our intentions and emotions, we initiate a shift in our internal narrative. Instead of habitual apologies, we can express gratitude, assert boundaries, and acknowledge our contributions.

This shift in language is both subtle and powerful. It influences not only our internal dialogue but also how we are perceived by others. Assertive, clear communication commands respect and sets a precedent for how we expect to be treated. It tells the world that we value ourselves and our contributions. And as we change our speech, our self-perception begins to align with this new, empowered mode of expression. We start to see ourselves as deserving of space, respect, and boundaries, and as capable of offering kindness and empathy without losing ourselves in the process.

This journey is, ultimately, about harmony — between empathy and assertiveness, between accommodating others and honoring ourselves. It's a journey that requires mindfulness, practice, and a willingness to explore and reshape the narratives we’ve held about ourselves. As we embark on this path, we not only transform our relationship with ourselves but also model for others a way of interacting that is both compassionate and self-respecting.

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Key point #4: 

Integrating the concept of integrity with oneself and the situation is a crucial aspect of this journey. Integrity, in this context, is about aligning our external expressions with our internal truths, ensuring that our words and actions are a true reflection of our feelings, thoughts, and boundaries. It's about being honest and authentic, not just with others but, most importantly, with ourselves.

In situations where we habitually apologize, integrity calls for a pause and an inward reflection: Are we truly sorry, or are we seeking to fill a silence, to appease, or to adhere to a conditioned response? Integrity challenges us to evaluate whether our apologies are a genuine expression of remorse or a reflexive, almost unconscious, effort to conform to societal expectations of politeness, especially as women.

When we align our communication with our true intentions, we practice integrity. This might mean replacing a needless apology with a statement that more accurately reflects our feelings. For example, instead of saying sorry for expressing an opinion, we might say, “I believe this is important and I stand by my perspective.” This approach honors our inner truth and respects the situation's authenticity. It allows us to be true to ourselves while engaging with others in a sincere and respectful manner.

Practicing integrity also involves recognizing and respecting our boundaries and expressing them clearly. It's about having the courage to say no when something doesn’t align with our values or needs, and doing so in a way that is honest and considerate. In doing this, we not only uphold our self-respect but also foster respect from others.

Moreover, integrity in our communication fosters deeper connections and understanding. When we are honest and clear about our feelings and boundaries, we invite others to interact with us on a more genuine level. This openness can lead to more meaningful and respectful relationships, both personally and professionally.

In essence, integrating integrity into our journey means embracing a level of self-honesty and authenticity that enriches our interactions and strengthens our sense of self. It’s a commitment to aligning our external expressions with our internal truths, fostering a life of authenticity, respect, and genuine connection.

Lifehack: 

Creating a lifehack cheat sheet can be an invaluable tool for moms navigating the often-automatic response of saying sorry. This cheat sheet offers alternative phrases that acknowledge situations empathetically and assertively, without defaulting to an apology. It's tailored to various common scenarios, including when expressing sympathy for something bad happening to someone else. 

When You Need More Time or Space: 

   - Instead of: "Sorry, I'm busy right now."

   - Try: "I’d love to help you once I finish what I’m currently working on."

When Expressing a Different Opinion: 

   - Instead of: "Sorry, but I think..."

   - Try: "I see it differently, and here’s why..."

When Someone Shares Bad News or a Sad Experience: 

   - Instead of: "I’m sorry to hear that."

   - Try: "That sounds really challenging. I'm here for you."

When Declining an Invitation or Request: 

   - Instead of: "Sorry, I can’t make it."

   - Try: "Thank you for thinking of me, but I won’t be able to join."

When Asking for Clarification or Help: 

   - Instead of: "Sorry, can you help me with this?"

   - Try: "Could you assist me with this? I would appreciate your expertise."

When You're Running Late:

   - Instead of: "Sorry I’m late."

   - Try: "Thank you for waiting for me."

When You Bump into Someone Accidentally: 

   - Instead of: "Sorry."

   - Try: "Oops, are you okay?"

When Someone is Upset or Angry with You: 

   - Instead of: "Sorry you feel that way."

   - Try: "I understand you're upset. Let's talk about what happened."

When You Need to Assert a Boundary: 

   - Instead of: "Sorry, but I can’t do that."

   - Try: "I need to prioritize my time for something else right now."

When Your Child is Being Loud or Playful in Public: 

    - Instead of: "Sorry my child is being noisy."

    - Try: "They’re just having a fun time. We’re working on understanding indoor voices."

How did that feel? Please take a pause right now and mentally star the one you want to try using this week. What others come to mind for you? Email me autumn@wellnessineveryseason.com or find me on social media @momswellnessineveryseason so we can help each other find more ways to say what we mean without saying sorry.

Key point #5:

The habitual use of 'sorry' in situations where it isn't warranted can inadvertently lead to us taking ownership of others' feelings or circumstances beyond our control. This tendency not only encroaches on the autonomy of others to own their emotions and experiences but also positions us in a space where we're implicitly accepting blame or responsibility that isn't ours to bear. This dynamic can have subtle yet profound implications on how we are perceived and how we interact in relationships.

When we say 'sorry' too readily, especially in situations that don't call for an apology, it can prompt the other person to assess whether we are indeed at fault. This assessment might not be a conscious one; it's often a reflexive response. For instance, if we say 'sorry' when someone shares sad news, it might unconsciously prompt them to consider if we are somehow responsible for their misfortune. This is certainly not the intended message, but the word 'sorry' carries an implication of guilt or fault, leading to this unintended interpretation.

We can notice this phenomenon in the reactions of others. If someone reassures us, saying "It's not your fault," or there's an awkward pause following our apology, it suggests that our 'sorry' was out of place, potentially confusing or misdirecting the focus of the conversation. These responses are cues that our apology might be sending the wrong message, implying a responsibility or guilt that isn’t ours.

Understanding and addressing this pattern is crucial because it's not just about language; it's about setting healthy boundaries and recognizing our limits in terms of responsibility for others' emotions and reactions. By being more mindful of our use of 'sorry' and reserving it for situations where we genuinely need to apologize, we start to reinforce our own boundaries and respect those of others. 

We can replace habitual apologies with statements that acknowledge the situation without assuming responsibility. This shift in language and perspective allows for healthier interactions, where empathy and understanding are expressed without unnecessary self-blame. It’s a step towards nurturing a sense of self that is compassionate yet firmly rooted in a clear understanding of where our responsibilities begin and end.

Key point #5:

Addressing the issue of over-apologizing holds significant potential for intergenerational healing, particularly in the role of mothers. Women, as mothers, are often the primary architects of their children's early understanding of social interactions and self-perception. In this influential position, we have the power to break cycles of behavior that have been unconsciously passed down through generations. 

When mothers consciously avoid unnecessary apologies and instead model assertive and confident communication, they are teaching their children, especially daughters, a powerful lesson in self-worth and assertiveness. This behavior shows children that it’s okay to take up space, to express opinions, and to set boundaries without guilt or apology. It challenges the notion that being agreeable or accommodating should come at the expense of one’s own needs and feelings. 

This form of modeling goes beyond just teaching children not to over-apologize; it instills in them the understanding that their feelings and thoughts are valid and deserving of expression. It demonstrates how to navigate relationships and interactions with a sense of self-respect and assertiveness. Daughters who see their mothers embodying this balance learn that their value isn’t contingent on constantly yielding or being passive. They learn to respect their own boundaries and to communicate in ways that are both empathetic and self-assured.

Moreover, this shift in behavior and communication can serve as a healing process for mothers themselves. In breaking these cycles, they are not only fostering a healthier, more empowered environment for their children but also addressing and possibly redressing patterns they might have internalized in their own upbringing. This can be a deeply transformative experience, as it challenges and reshapes long-held beliefs and behaviors.

By setting this example, mothers can lay the groundwork for a future that values and encourages assertive communication and self-respect in all individuals, regardless of gender. This creates a ripple effect, influencing not just their own children but also the broader societal narrative around women, communication, and self-worth. It's a step towards building a more equitable future where being assertive and respecting oneself are seen as inherent rights, not qualities that need to be fought for. This intergenerational healing is a profound journey of reclamation and empowerment, with the potential to reshape not just individual family dynamics but the fabric of society itself.

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Segment: Coaching Questions

Here are some thought provoking questions around our discussion today. 

Reflecting on Language: "Can you recall a recent situation where you apologized unnecessarily? What prompted you to apologize, and how did it make you feel afterward?"

Understanding Impact: "How do you think your habit of over-apologizing affects the way others perceive you, especially in your role as a mother?"

Exploring Alternatives: "What are some alternative phrases you could use instead of 'sorry' in everyday situations that would feel more authentic to you?"

Personal Boundaries: "In what situations do you find it most challenging to maintain your boundaries without resorting to an apology? What might help you in those moments?"

Intergenerational Patterns: "Reflect on your family history. Do you see a pattern of over-apologizing in previous generations? How do you feel this has influenced your own behavior?"

Modeling for Children: "How can you model assertive communication and self-respect for your children? What specific behaviors would you like them to learn from you?"

Self-Perception and Assertiveness: "How does your tendency to apologize unnecessarily relate to your self-esteem and self-worth? What steps can you take to enhance these?"

Embracing Empathy and Assertiveness: "How do you balance being empathetic with being assertive? Can you think of a situation where you successfully managed this balance?"

Reframing Mindset: "What underlying beliefs might be driving your habitual apologies? How can you reframe these beliefs to support more empowered communication?"

Long-Term Vision: "Imagine how your life and relationships might change if you reduced unnecessary apologies. What positive outcomes do you foresee, and what steps can you take to realize this vision?"

These questions are designed to prompt introspection and encourage a deeper understanding of the reasons behind the habit of over-apologizing. They aim to guide moms towards recognizing their own patterns, understanding their impact, and exploring new, more empowering ways of communication and self-expression.

CLOSING REMARKS & EPISODE SUMMARY

Episode summary:

In Episode 62 of "Wellness in Every Season," titled "Rethinking Apologies - What to Say When 'Sorry' Isn't Necessary," listeners embarked on a transformative journey. This episode illuminated the difference between situations that truly need an apology and those that don’t, revealing the psychological patterns behind unnecessary apologies.

Listeners learned to rephrase their language, replacing 'sorry' with expressions of gratitude or assertiveness, empowering them to communicate in ways that uphold their self-worth. This guidance was particularly impactful for mothers, highlighting how their communication style influences their children’s perception of self-respect and confidence.

Concluding with a sense of empowerment, the episode encouraged a shift from habitual apologies to more authentic self-expression, fostering personal growth and confident interactions. Listeners gained new insights into mindful communication, practical alternatives to 'sorry,' and a renewed sense of self-value. This episode served as a reminder of the power in our words and the importance of speaking in a way that truly reflects our intentions and self-respect.

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Outro: 

Thanks for tuning in to this week's episode. I'm Autumn Carter, guiding you through motherhood's seasons. I hope today's discussion inspired you and offered valuable insights.

Stay engaged with our motherhood wellness community by signing up for my newsletter. Whether you're interested in exploring specific topics more deeply or considering personal coaching, joining our newsletter is a great step. Just visit wellnessineveryseason.com/freeresources to sign up. We value your journey and aim to keep you connected and informed through our newsletter.

Your shares, subscriptions, and reviews help us reach more moms seeking empowerment, so please spread the word about our podcast. Thank you for being part of our podcast community. I look forward to continuing our conversation, sharing stories, and exploring wellness in all aspects of motherhood. Take care until our next episode.

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